5 Best and 5 Worst Mascotts

With Superbowl upon us I figured I would put out another sports article. Top 10 Superbowl’s of all time? Top 10 best QB’s ever? Fuck that noise lets get down to the best part of sports; underpaid (I assume I have no idea what they make) men and woman sweating it out in costumes while kids and drunk bros throw soda at them, while they dance to sandstorm.

The Criteria:

  • Big 4 Pro North American Leauges only, sorry Sunderland FC’s Samson and Delilah (worst)

  • Look, name (puns help), how it correlates to the team (or doesn’t if its on the worst).

  • Entertainment value? I mean it’s a mascot list there is no need to put too much thought into this.

  • Current Mascots only, no retired or extinct ones.

so without further ado here are the 5 best and 5 worst mascots in sports today.

5. (Worst) Ace - Toronto Blue Jay’s

Bring him Back!

Bring him Back!

The Toronto Bluejays mascot Ace is a decent mascot, a human sized Blue Jay who’s friendly looking enough but just kinda meh. The reason I put him on the list is more or less because of the the name and look change. As a kid growing up as a Jays fan going to games we went to The Sky Dome and our mascot was BJ Birdy. Now its called the Rogers Center (ugh) and it’s now Ace (meh) with it’s usual mascot hi jinks among the fans at the crowd. Ace is less goofy looking than BJ adorned in a jersey and sneakers, no thanks! It’s probably my nostalgia talking but the og mascot was more lovable with a warmer feel, I’m not buying the cooler edger Ace look. I get the blow job references with the classic mascots name might of given reason for the name change but get your head outta the gutter and give me back the classic!

5. (Best) SJ Sharkie - San Jose Sharks

What a legend.

What a legend.

Yes his name is a bit too much on the nose (I know that makes me a hypocrite after yearning for BJ Birdie) and yeah his shark head looks kinda shitty but this San Jose Shark’s staple makes the list on his hustle and charisma. Whether it be skating full tilt across the ice before games waving the teams flag, or driving a 4 wheeler on the rink, Sharkie gets the fans on their feet! There was even the time the mascot came down from the rafters like he was Sting in late 90’s WCW, only to get stuck half way for quite some time. SJ Sharkie has been the teams one and only mascot since the teams inception in 1992 and with efforts to please the crowd night and night out SJ Sharkie should be there hype shark for some time.

4. (Worst) Pat Patriot - New England Patriots

Can’t sleep Pat will eat me…

Can’t sleep Pat will eat me…

Mascots designed after a human just don’t work for me. A yolked out huge headed carton mascot with a emotionless face in evil Kenevil pants wearing a Pat’s jersey, is well rather creepy looking. His face reminds me of Buzz Lightyear, which isn’t a bad thing but for obvious reasons the face can’t move emoting less than Bill Belichick, making Pat look dumb with his mouth always a gape. The only human mascot we need is Dancin’ Homer at Capitol City Capitals games, but that was a “real” person with real facial expressions, which makes a big difference. Mascot’s need to be furry animal/creature in order for the beady eyes to work.

4. (Best) Benny the Bull - Chicago Bulls

How could you not love this face?

How could you not love this face?

There have been many versions of the Chicago Bulls mascot over the years, dating back from his creation in 1969. The current Benny has been around since 2004; a more streamlined look the curent Benny is leaner minus the tail and in all likelihood the best of the Bulls - Benny the Bull’s that is obviously hes no Jordan or Pippen. Whether it’s nailing no look half court shots, dancing with the crowd or doing acrobatic dunks this NBA mascot is one of the longest tenured in the leagues history for a reason. A big fury red bull with a blondish tuft of hair, tiny horns, a thick black unibrow that Anthony Davies would be proud of and lovable big eyes, all wrapped up in a bulls uniform and Jordan’s make this fan favorite a lovable entertaining distraction at games from their shitty re build team (yeah I went there) but who knows maybe a Zion lottery win could have Benny amp’d up even more.

I guess he has party streamers in his nose? Still dumb.

I guess he has party streamers in his nose? Still dumb.

3. (Worst) Blue - Indianapolis Colts

What a derpy, dumpy looking horse like creature this is. Sorry but the Indianapolis Colts mascot looks like a blue Grimace with a horse head (kinda sort of) in clown shoes and I don’t know what the fuck is in Blue’s nostrils? Somewhat of a newcomer to the mascot world (2006) it’s not like Blue doesn’t put in a shift; dancing like a machine in the crowds and all the norms a good mascot should do - even over seeing the marriage of Colt’s fans tying the knot at Lucas Oil Stadium. Simply put it’s just not a good look at all. Seriously though look at the nose on this thing, I guess that’s part of his schtick?

3. (Best) Gritty - Philadelphia Flyers

Look at him in all his weird magnificent glory.

Look at him in all his weird magnificent glory.

Ah yes Gritty mania has been sweeping the nation. So ugly it’s kinda lovable in a unique can’t take your eyes of it kind of a way. And the name! Perfect for the city of brotherly love and perfect for the identity of the Philadelphia Flyers synonymous with well grit and at times dirty ugly hockey that gained them notoriety in the mid to late 70’s that’s still beloved with its fan base till today. Gritty kind of looks like the Mupet’s Animal had he fallen on hard times but still somehow approachable, very fitting for the hard nosed Philly fateful who can be mean at times yet have this charm about them. Some times these teams marketers get it right and Gritty has been a smash hit, made evident with the press he/she/it’s gotten outside of NHL circles a feat that is not easy.

Oh yeah forgot to mention the eyes, what’s going on there.

Oh yeah forgot to mention the eyes, what’s going on there.

2. (Worst) The Coyote

Really that’s your mascots name Spurs? The Coyote, that’s what you came up with? So apparently there is a mascot hall of fame (neat!) which the Coyote was inducted into in 2007. With my lazy internet research (mostly wikipedia) the Coyote performs at more community events than any other NBA mascot, I can respect the hustle and dedication but I’m just hung up on the lack of creative effort. Maybe its befitting that a franchise famous for anti charisma and garnering results would have one of the hardest working mascots in the business who looks like a boring Wiley coyote ripoff and put the least amount of effort into its name and look.

A timeless classic!

A timeless classic!

2. (Best) The Philly Phanatic - Philadelphia Phillies

Truly a legend not only in the mascot world but really in the sports world all together. The Philly Phanatic made his debut in 1978. The odd looking rotund two legged fluffy green bird like creature replaced Philadelphia Phil, who was some sort of Paul Revere looking character (lame). The Phillies went full hog promoting their family friendly creation; debuting on a local kids show, having a comic strip and paying top dollar at the time for the design and making of the mascots suit. Well it paid off with countless pop culture references throughout the years - Simpson’s, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Letterman and much more. Yes the Phanatic is basically a San Diego chicken ripoff but this big green bird has stood the test of time and still makes the rounds on sports highlight shows today, with classic slapstick bits and good ol’ fashioned fun at the ballpark.

1. (Worst) Steely Mcbeam. - Pittsburgh Stealers

You see the Shocker resemblance? I’m proud of that one.

You see the Shocker resemblance? I’m proud of that one.

When I first started of thinking about this list three mascots first came to mind: one of them is next on the list as my number one, the other was the Phanatic and this atrocity Steely Mcbeam. At one point I pondered is the Stealers mascot going on the five best list? Is Steely Mcbeam so awful he’s kind of great, like some sort of mascot version of The Room or Troll 2? The name is fun to say and is yes so dumb it’s kind of great, but this nine to fiver version of Shocker from Spiderman is just the worst and deserves to be on this list! First off it’s just a dude in a hard hat, work boots, overalls and a plaid long sleeve combo who carries a foam steel beam around with a big yellow head and ridiculously manly jawline. He sucks and panders to the steel city faithful. Ugly stupid and uninspired, that’s why I made you my number one worst mascot, sorry Mr. Mcbeam.

1.(Best) The Suns Gorilla - Phoenix Suns

You magnificent beast! Keep doing you.

You magnificent beast! Keep doing you.

Remember when I said The Coyote was a terrible name? Does that make me a complete hypocrite that my number one mascot doesn’t really even have a name? Maybe but that lame ass coyote hasn’t been doing dope as fuck trampoline dunks since the 1980s. The Gorilla suit hype machine was always gonna me my personal number one, simple, silly while performing cool stunts the Phoenix Suns jersey wearing gorilla is a trailblazer and I have fond memories as a kid seeing this person in a cheesy gorilla suit on sportscenter as a kid and wishing I was able to see something like that live at a sporting event. This mascot is like a local used car dealership add mashed together with Midway’s NBA Jam, how can you not love that!